[contains a lot of things you probably dont want to know so you should probably stop reading here]
when i was 15 it hit me how badly i wanted a kid. it hit so hard that i spent time over a couple of weeks deciding on a name. never mind the fact that logic implies that both parties would be involved with that part of it. but it is the fact that i took that time that really expresses how badly i wanted a kid. it was never just talk with me. that dream controlled most of my major life choices until last night.
last night i gave up on an outcome that i had based pretty much every sane choice i ever made around. sometimes more conscientiously than others. most of them turned out to be bad decisions or were thrown of track but much less sane choices. there is no way to change any of them and no way to go back because there is nothing left. and it still hurts. so bad that my chest hurts. the same feeling i got every time a relationship went bad and i realized i had just gotten thrown off track again. but more so.
i got married the first time when i was 19. i knew it was a stupid thing to do but i felt she would make a good mother and did not want to lose the chance. for a hundred different reasons it didnt work out and we divorced a year later. i got so torn up by it that i was hallucinating and could barely function. i had just lost what i thought was going to be the mother of my child/children. i never stood much chance to begin with so i figured that was going to be the only one i got. and it damn near killed me.
since her almost every girl i have been with has been with that outcome in mind. the one glaring exception to that is my second wife who said she didnt want kids after we got together and said she never wanted them. where she had said that she did previously. i was already mentally slipping when we got together which was obvious by the fact that we were together in the first place since i left a very wonderful woman who probably would have gone along with the plan for this. but when she changed her story after we got together is where things went really bad for me mentally and emotionally.
i got trapped there because i really couldnt figure out what to do until i finally snapped on her and ended the relationship in a blaze of glory by calling her a fucking cunt. i try to avoid saying things in anger that i dont mean. i really try. that time i chose my words just as carefully. i said what i meant because it was true. she had wasted that many of my limited years and i had a point to make. so when she asked me what i called her, i repeated it. the i started throwing everything i could within reach. all mine i might add. this was not anger. this was rage and i was doing everything i could not to kill her. i am not saying any of it was right or wrong just thats the way it happened. after i got enough out of my system i went and locked myself away and cried. and overdosed. after se was out and a couple of months went by and i saw no light i tried again. and i really tried. those of you that dealt with me then will remember that all to well.
as i am sitting there taking pill after pill i am apologizing. not you or me but to this child that will never be. i was ending it for both of us because i didnt see a way out. and i was going to help it kill me this time.
pandy and i had already started talking before this happened. and she had expressed an interest in having kids. and that is part of what brought us together. but over the years the idea seems to have gotten pushed back further and further because of this or that. and apparently me not being clear enough on the point. so last night i realized that too much time had passed and there was preetty much no chance it would happen at this point. so i killed the same dream i had held so dear and guarded for so many years.
i knew it wasnt something i should ever make too public because it just leads to too many issues. there are times when i have mentioned it and there are a very few people that i have truly opened up to about it but they are so few and far between i can name them all off hand in one shot. as time moved further away from the prime years it got harder and harder to discuss. and now it is done.
i realize that yes it is still possible for it to happen. i just cant base my life around it anymore. hasnt seemed to do any good this far so i have to let it go. i know kids dont solve anything. i was never looking for an answer. except to the question of can i have a child? a lot of my mentally instability over the years has been the result of this. you cant fail at reaching a goal like that that many times without it messing with your head.
i also know that the two miscarriages by women in my past break my heart every day. in both cases it was right at the end of the relationship but i could have figured something out. to know i got that close and lost it all. neither were planned but neither were completely accidents either.
i also know that this is why for the most part sex is more than just sex to me and always has been. i have one thing in mind. so anytime it involves birth control or anything else it really is all about making the woman i am with happy. even though i may get my rocks off that doesnt mean i am really getting anything out of it. if its not for the whole its just not that exciting. but if i make her happy than it increases the chances of her sticking around until the bigger thing can be figured out.
working crappy jobs because they pay better. trying to get back in school. moving around the country. a thousand depressive episodes. some of the friends i have chosen hoping they might become more. all of that was for this. and now it all seems wasted because it wont happen. i dont know that i will come out of this ok. i know it hurts like hell now and i cant stop crying but dont worry. it is all just part of the grieving process. i may be fine tomorrow. or in a few weeks. or never. as soon as i figure out how to pull this brick out of my chest. time is going to be the only thing that stands a chance of making it better.
i will miss you. i am sorry i couldnt get it right. please try to forgive me.
see also: http://empallin.livejournal.com/243
one of the things i meant to include...
this is why i hate being around kids and am so easily annoyed by them. its straight sour grapes. i am not to big to own up to my own mental hang ups. i really do like kids. but each one is a remind of this.
this is why i hate bad parents and unwanted pregnancies. i could have done so much better and accidental or not the kid would still be wanted. there are so many parents i have wanted to just knock upside the head for the way they do and dont treat their children.
adoption and sperm donations are not options because it is the whole process. there is so much more to that than i will ever explain in public. its not about spreading my seed or carying on the family name. i have a big enough family that this is not the issue. its about being a father and passing on knowledge and history and raising a child that respects people and things and knowledge. as i said it is about being a father.
i realize that as a male it is possible that it could still happen but the problem is the age gap. i used to joke that i wanted to have ten kids by the time i was thirty. yes i would have been happy with one but it really wasnt that much of a joke. however part of the reason i started considering it at 15 was that i never expected to make it to 18. its a family thing that i am not going to explain. so i had to make it to 18 because there was no point in even trying if i wasnt going to be around to finish the job.
those that know me have seen me go from one relationship to the next with little to no down time. honestly i have been single for maybe a year total since i was 19. i had a mission to accomplish and so i had to do what i had to do. i have never been a fan of casual sex. as i have said i get the pleasure out of it but there has always been that lacking when it comes to true satisfaction. it was doing the job but not getting the pay. but you do what you have to in order to get a job done right.