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last night i killed the dream [12 Nov 2016|09:36pm]
i have wanted a child since i was 15. last night i killed that dream. i am going to explain this so that if you come into contact with me over the next few weeks you might have a little understanding of why i am consistently so close to tears. by that same token if you say the sight thing joking about it i may very well try to kill you. that is a warning not a joke.


[contains a lot of things you probably dont want to know so you should probably stop reading here]

when i was 15 it hit me how badly i wanted a kid. it hit so hard that i spent time over a couple of weeks deciding on a name. never mind the fact that logic implies that both parties would be involved with that part of it. but it is the fact that i took that time that really expresses how badly i wanted a kid. it was never just talk with me. that dream controlled most of my major life choices until last night.

last night i gave up on an outcome that i had based pretty much every sane choice i ever made around. sometimes more conscientiously than others. most of them turned out to be bad decisions or were thrown of track but much less sane choices. there is no way to change any of them and no way to go back because there is nothing left. and it still hurts. so bad that my chest hurts. the same feeling i got every time a relationship went bad and i realized i had just gotten thrown off track again. but more so.

i got married the first time when i was 19. i knew it was a stupid thing to do but i felt she would make a good mother and did not want to lose the chance. for a hundred different reasons it didnt work out and we divorced a year later. i got so torn up by it that i was hallucinating and could barely function. i had just lost what i thought was going to be the mother of my child/children. i never stood much chance to begin with so i figured that was going to be the only one i got. and it damn near killed me.

since her almost every girl i have been with has been with that outcome in mind. the one glaring exception to that is my second wife who said she didnt want kids after we got together and said she never wanted them. where she had said that she did previously. i was already mentally slipping when we got together which was obvious by the fact that we were together in the first place since i left a very wonderful woman who probably would have gone along with the plan for this. but when she changed her story after we got together is where things went really bad for me mentally and emotionally.

i got trapped there because i really couldnt figure out what to do until i finally snapped on her and ended the relationship in a blaze of glory by calling her a fucking cunt. i try to avoid saying things in anger that i dont mean. i really try. that time i chose my words just as carefully. i said what i meant because it was true. she had wasted that many of my limited years and i had a point to make. so when she asked me what i called her, i repeated it. the i started throwing everything i could within reach. all mine i might add. this was not anger. this was rage and i was doing everything i could not to kill her. i am not saying any of it was right or wrong just thats the way it happened. after i got enough out of my system i went and locked myself away and cried. and overdosed. after se was out and a couple of months went by and i saw no light i tried again. and i really tried. those of you that dealt with me then will remember that all to well.

as i am sitting there taking pill after pill i am apologizing. not you or me but to this child that will never be. i was ending it for both of us because i didnt see a way out. and i was going to help it kill me this time.

pandy and i had already started talking before this happened. and she had expressed an interest in having kids. and that is part of what brought us together. but over the years the idea seems to have gotten pushed back further and further because of this or that. and apparently me not being clear enough on the point. so last night i realized that too much time had passed and there was preetty much no chance it would happen at this point. so i killed the same dream i had held so dear and guarded for so many years.

i knew it wasnt something i should ever make too public because it just leads to too many issues. there are times when i have mentioned it and there are a very few people that i have truly opened up to about it but they are so few and far between i can name them all off hand in one shot. as time moved further away from the prime years it got harder and harder to discuss. and now it is done.

i realize that yes it is still possible for it to happen. i just cant base my life around it anymore. hasnt seemed to do any good this far so i have to let it go. i know kids dont solve anything. i was never looking for an answer. except to the question of can i have a child? a lot of my mentally instability over the years has been the result of this. you cant fail at reaching a goal like that that many times without it messing with your head.

i also know that the two miscarriages by women in my past break my heart every day. in both cases it was right at the end of the relationship but i could have figured something out. to know i got that close and lost it all. neither were planned but neither were completely accidents either.

i also know that this is why for the most part sex is more than just sex to me and always has been. i have one thing in mind. so anytime it involves birth control or anything else it really is all about making the woman i am with happy. even though i may get my rocks off that doesnt mean i am really getting anything out of it. if its not for the whole its just not that exciting. but if i make her happy than it increases the chances of her sticking around until the bigger thing can be figured out.

working crappy jobs because they pay better. trying to get back in school. moving around the country. a thousand depressive episodes. some of the friends i have chosen hoping they might become more. all of that was for this. and now it all seems wasted because it wont happen. i dont know that i will come out of this ok. i know it hurts like hell now and i cant stop crying but dont worry. it is all just part of the grieving process. i may be fine tomorrow. or in a few weeks. or never. as soon as i figure out how to pull this brick out of my chest. time is going to be the only thing that stands a chance of making it better.

i will miss you. i am sorry i couldnt get it right. please try to forgive me.

see also: http://empallin.livejournal.com/243146.html


--------------------------addenda--------------------------------

one of the things i meant to include...

this is why i hate being around kids and am so easily annoyed by them. its straight sour grapes. i am not to big to own up to my own mental hang ups. i really do like kids. but each one is a remind of this.


this is why i hate bad parents and unwanted pregnancies. i could have done so much better and accidental or not the kid would still be wanted. there are so many parents i have wanted to just knock upside the head for the way they do and dont treat their children.


adoption and sperm donations are not options because it is the whole process. there is so much more to that than i will ever explain in public. its not about spreading my seed or carying on the family name. i have a big enough family that this is not the issue. its about being a father and passing on knowledge and history and raising a child that respects people and things and knowledge. as i said it is about being a father.


i realize that as a male it is possible that it could still happen but the problem is the age gap. i used to joke that i wanted to have ten kids by the time i was thirty. yes i would have been happy with one but it really wasnt that much of a joke. however part of the reason i started considering it at 15 was that i never expected to make it to 18. its a family thing that i am not going to explain. so i had to make it to 18 because there was no point in even trying if i wasnt going to be around to finish the job.


those that know me have seen me go from one relationship to the next with little to no down time. honestly i have been single for maybe a year total since i was 19. i had a mission to accomplish and so i had to do what i had to do. i have never been a fan of casual sex. as i have said i get the pleasure out of it but there has always been that lacking when it comes to true satisfaction. it was doing the job but not getting the pay. but you do what you have to in order to get a job done right.
4 comments|post comment

Speaking With Anyone [30 Apr 2015|04:08am]
May A...
No.
Or...
Le...
E-Every Thing.
Just Everything.
And A Big Gail Of Emotions To Push The Sails Homewards.
post comment

10000 fuck yous [30 Jan 2015|12:42pm]
their bodies are disfigured
practice they are told
to hell with that
is the only response
so long and loud they go deaf
until their fingers bleed
the head and eyes hurt
the heart breaks down
the hands cant move
practice they are told
as if they have a choice
the hours are minutes
sleep can wait
until they angels start to dance
and voices are just a gentle hum
practice they are told
but they dont hear it
all they hear is a voice
so much to do
not enough time for it all
lets do it anyway
there will be no stopping
it is not a choice they can make
keep going
keep giving more
until there is nothing left
let them ignore it
let them try
post comment

I I I...Please by Allin KHG [28 Apr 2014|03:49pm]
i know you are trying
and i know how hard
sure it is easier
you are so well attended
for all they give
about all you say
they dont see it
that piece of you missing
trying to fill it
wanting to feel it
anyway you can
they dont here the screams
from that dark empty corner
that pain
borne in things
they have never felt
you will never know
how much
i still see it
how much i long
to have an answer for you
hoping you hear me
talking across the night
telling you to be strong
stay out of the cold
it will be worth it
when the time is right
out of the corner of my eye
i still watch
still worry


http://easy.femalegratification.com
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Longing And Belonging by Allin KHG [26 Apr 2014|05:55am]
close your eyes
lean forward
listen closely
hear the whisper
calling for you
your name
riding hot breath
let you mind go
as the longing
turns into belonging
a hinting smile
glows across your face
still listening
a finger traces
entrances
down your jawline
onto your lips
another whisper
a name
no one calls you
who and how
a lesson of life
vanquishing worries
and finally
you are told to speak
post comment

There Is No Spark by Allin KHG [21 Apr 2014|02:35am]
There is no spark
just a time and distance
a space that is required
sleepless nights
the punishment for my crimes

There is no spark
like that first one
when every movement is desire
hands to flesh
pushing and drawing lines

there is no spark
it is a bonfire
blinding me with desire
burning my soul
with fuel to burn for a lifetime
post comment

Handing It To You by Allin KHG [29 Mar 2014|12:24am]
i am still looking
all the time
on alert
over my shoulder
around every corner
my killer is still out there
knowing exactly
what it will take
to take me out
a simple instruction
written
memorized
practiced
three shots
point blank
to the head
check pulse
repeat if needed
it is the only way
you will ever get rid of me
so i watch
around corners
over my shoulder
for that pistol in your hand
post comment

Maybe Not by Allin KHG [24 Mar 2014|02:45pm]
i dont know what to say
entranced by the reality
soaking it all in
every movement
every noise
wanting to tell you
explain to you
a lot things
a hundred things
too many things
i know you wouldnt understand
i didnt
and still dont
how am i going to explain it to you
see
i have kept all these notes
things i wanted to tell you
tell you about
show you
but i just sit here
watching and listening
i could explain to you
how it was done
just for you
to show you
for the world to see
how real it was
how unreal it feels right now
no one will understand
any of it up to now
heres this
that
where do i start
where do i stop
your hand on mine
telling me it can wait
post comment

With A Bang by Allin KHG [18 Mar 2014|05:23am]
a hand hard on your back
a hand clutches at your hair
no time to waste as you bend
finishing quicker this time
you think youre getter better
standing back up
hoping no one heard
they will talk
convincing yourself
they dont already know
wiping your mouth
you think you are done
then just as suddenly as before
you are bent over again
you could do without
but it is worth it
a little discomfort
minor annoyances for now
pain worsening in time
just to hear those magic words
repeating them for a week
like some sacred script
"it's a girl"
the backaches and sickness
replaced by joy


http://easy.femalegratification.com
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Torsion Wrench by Allin KHG [07 Mar 2014|08:30am]
close your eyes
hold your breath
trying to slip in
the back door
staying quiet
repeating your mantra
promises and prayers
they fill your thoughts
sound like screams
in the middle of the night
you are safe here
in this quiet place
the happiness overwhelms
as you quietly
glide across the floor
another long day
time to get clean
moonlight glistening
on every drop
you see it
looking past it
reaching for the stars
their song calls you
the mantra repeats
the only thing
you ever want to hear
post comment

Wounded And Unwound But Wired by Allin KHG [22 Feb 2014|03:41am]
this wire wrapped around my body
so thick and heavy
holding me down
keeping me from being
keeping me seeing
i pick at until my fingers bleed
until my hands are free
tying the end down
dizzy spinning
trying to get free
moving faster
pulling hard on strands so thin
they cut into my skin
then finally the moments
i step out and away
only to reach down
starting to spool it back in
wiping off the blood
untangling the knots
carrying it to you
letting it go
until there is nothing left
nothing to give you
but myself
post comment

Vision Elite Micro by Allin KHG [28 Dec 2013|01:12pm]
Those boys and girls
With their messy hair
Dirty clothes
And favorite pens
Filled with the over-educated spirits of young dreamers
Favorite pens that could kill you
That could write a story that would ruin your heart
Before you turned the first page
Only to find the had drawn you a new stronger one
These dreamers
Writers
Artists
That became friends in youth
Spread across the world
Like a shotgun blast of emotion and talent
All dreaming of changing hearts and minds
Making the world a better place
And maybe making a living in the process
The world has changed
And the weaker ones gave up
Got distracted by the trials of life
Or just walked away
But for a few we are all still here
Or there or there or there
Still trying to make a difference
Still doing what we love
With our hearts
And our favorite pens
Still mocking the status quo
Breaking laws and rules where need be
Dreaming of a better world
And still not making a living
post comment

Left To Do by Allin KHG [14 Nov 2013|03:39am]
one little thing i want
one little thing
that would change nothing
and everything
i could tell you
but i am sure you would laugh
i want to find a letter
hidden away somewhere
where i would not see it right away
where i would see it when i found it
a letter that tells me you love me
and how and why
and how much
and how little nothing else matters
your heart spilled out
in black and white
telling me you love me
you always will
it may take time but it will be ok
no matter how mad we get
i can always come back to you
i can always hold you
or be held by you
be it minutes or years
before i even try
a promise you would kill to keep
telling me that you see me crying
and you dont laugh
like i am sure you do
you wish you could make it all better
you wish you could squeeze the pain away
that you will kiss me in the morning
even when we are pissed
and dont want to look at each other
a little note
that says everything you cant
unsigned and tucked away
that closes with
'keep this with you always'
and i will never be sure
where it came from or how
until years later
when you quote it
word by word
as i am falling asleep
deeper into darkness

http://empallin.deviantart.com/gallery/
http://empallin.wix.com/khg-interserv
http://empallin.livejournal.com/
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That Night by Allin KHG [27 Oct 2013|02:14pm]
my fingers dance across your skin
to the tune of your voice
humming along
playing that song
the one that reminded us
of us
my fingers brushing across your face
like a soft drum
of a quiet jazz ballad
slow and sultry
soft and subtle
dark
my fingers sliding below your eyes
wiping away your tears
that no one can ever see
or understand why
a simple gesture
of love
My fingers flit across your body
to the tune of a riot
in every direction
fast and flighty
waiting for the smile
to break


DeviantArt
KHG InterServ
LiveJournal
Books on Amazon
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Scrabble And Cheese by Allin KHG [26 Oct 2013|03:10pm]
You did what you had to
Standing in the shadow of a legend
Sticking to your guns
To cover his back
Lived it and loved it
Until the last of the living was done
Honored and proud
To have been there for the best and worst
And when it was over and done
Walking back into the sunlight
You still kept the house in order
Making sure his cats were fed
And the ink was dry
Everything to the letter
Before the word hit the street
Tending to the tinderness
Of a thousand souls he left behind
Spirits of the mind
Ghosts from dreams
That never lived
But would live far beyond even your years
You walked about in the sunlight
with your head held high
While caring the weight of worlds
And carrying on
With what you knew
And anything new that carved a new path
Never failing to stop
To pet the strays that pass
A little fresh milk for honey
Both at work and games
post comment

Bemused by Allin KHG [24 Oct 2013|04:42am]
if it happens once
or a hundred times
i could never begin to express the beauty
of something so simple and fine
on those cold damp nights
that song we both know
playing just a little too quiet
so we have to struggle
to make out the words
if we chose to
you laying there
sprawled across the bed
fully clothed
in some awkward position
the slightest of smiles
exhausted look in your eyes
your motionless body
distracting from your eyes
that are following my every move
waiting for me to speak
or lay next to you
or something
so that we both know everything is ok
and it always will be
post comment

Before The Rain by Allin KHG [18 Oct 2013|11:09am]
her legs kicked out of his head
two long protrusions
looking like dirty strands
blowing in a fast wind
her bare ass pressed against his skull
her naked out-stretched body
filling his head
trapped there willingly
until the both just
disappeared
post comment

3:23 by Allin KHG [17 Oct 2013|01:00pm]
3:23 and i am already watching the clock
ready to go go go
not even close to time
so i sit here waiting
waitingwaitingwaitingwaitingwaiting
hoping you will understand
it was what i had to do
not what i wanted to do
hoping you will still be there
for me to take by the hand
look into your eyes
to tell you it is all different now
hoping you dont see
how burnt and broken i am
hoping you dont get tired of waiting
and just get up and leave
so at 3:23 i am waiting
tapping nervously
watching the clock
on the verge of anxiety tears
knowing that no matter how it goes
it will all be different then
post comment

Hey Beautiful by Allin KHG [10 Oct 2013|04:36am]
well
yes
i said you were beautiful
and i meant it
i forgive you
for the misunderstanding
its what you are used to hearing
from people that dont look further
i mean sure
you are attractive
a face to die for
eyes i could get lost looking in
a nice rack
and an ass that doesnt stop
but that
is one tree in the forest
i might say other girls
are pretty or cute or nice
you though
are one of the beautiful people
a quirky sense of humor
backed by a thirst for knowledge
a charming personality
the glossy coat on the darkness within
a voice that soothes
as it calls upon demons
a heart that made of glass
that turns to stone at the slightest injustice
complications and complexities
contradictions and cuteness
so remember that
the next time i say it
you are more beautiful than you know
and well...that ass
post comment

Burst by Allin KHG [07 Oct 2013|07:00pm]
do you ever get my messages
the ones i whisper in the night
asking the stars to deliver
little pieces of my heart
i throw to them
hoping in their travels
they will drop them to you
and you will follow them home
bursting with love and light
post comment

Mr Toy by Allin KHG [03 Oct 2013|12:14pm]
i keep going back there
hoping you will be there
to see your smile again
or hear your laugh
i keep going back there
hoping you will be there
to look you in the eyes
and tell you i love you
i keep going back there
hoping you will be there
finding something else
a little piece i missed
i keep going back there
but there is nothing there
empty and desolate
cold desolate and vacant
post comment

I Will Laugh For You by Allin KHG [09 Sep 2013|07:43am]
you watch the flames flicker
back and forth in the night air
trying to avoid the smoke
too far from the fire
to feel its warmth
dancing around in its glow
gasoline in one hand
dried flowers in the other
throwing it all in
and then stepping back
wanting so badly
to see the world burn
wishing there were not a price
closing your eyes
spreading your arms
trying to gather nerve and heat
you open your eyes
a quiet voice in your head
asking the man in the moon
for the nerve to decide
to walk away to gather more fuel
or to never return
the only answer you receive
is a faint cackle in the night
gasoline is expensive
the season for flowers has passed
so you step forward and sit
staring into the fire
willing it to spread
and burn away this chill

[rewrite]
post comment

I Will Laugh For You by Allin KHG [03 Sep 2013|04:27am]
you watch the flames flicker
back and forth in the night air
trying to avoid the smoke
too far from the fire
to feel its warmth
slowly moving closer
afraid of it spreading
of getting burned again
changing position with the wind
taking in the smell
squinting at the light
hands covering your scars
trying not to think about it
too worried not to
close your eyes
take a step back
you open you eyes
a quite voice in your head
asking the man in the moon
for the nerve to decide
step forward toward the heat
or call it and leave
he knows you and says nothing
you sit and watch the fire
transfixed by the flames
a warm breeze blows past
and you cant help but laugh
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once so i would know by allin khg [21 Aug 2013|09:21pm]
( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
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not this time [20 Jul 2013|05:33am]
when you come out of the
cold
i will still be waiting
here
you will fucking know what i
think
if its the last thing you ever
hear
post comment

a dirty main road by allin khg [17 Jul 2013|06:25am]
i told her i had done it
once or twice
or a hundred times
but it never seemed real
she smirked at my frustration
patted my head
promising to make it all better
my eyes rolling
told of similar small promises
meeting similar fates
memories only ever spoken
she just stood there smiling
then the day came
where she was set to keep her word
fighting sleep and apathy
something warm for the cold day
she saw the words stop
the arms flailing
a whirlwind of excitement
running and stopping
stomping and storming
she didnt know what to expect
when i finally calmed down
looking at her
my head so far beyond my words
she made it clear she was not let down
she just stood there smiling
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She Was Asking For It by Allin KHG [03 Jul 2013|03:14am]
( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
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dust it off by allin khg [27 Jun 2013|06:26am]
honey your roots are showing
you are living
a clean life
with dirty day dreams
filled with memories
of dirtier younger boys
we have seen that look in your eyes
that slight grin
the redness in your cheeks
don't think we don't know your story
we just don't talk about it
we were there
we saw you fall apart
pull your shit together
and fall apart again
We saw you walk away
battered and bruised
to become a better person
the way you thrived
then we look closer
your roots are showing
your glue is cracking
you are getting lazy
at covering your tracks
you are coming apart at the seams
post comment

lasted by allin khg [25 May 2013|06:39am]
I see you
bending over
backwards
to please
bound for glory
with a single
good decision
I taste you
in the night
time
to please
walk out
on damp street
of old haunts
take
a picture
it will
last
post comment

totally jacked up [03 May 2013|05:12am]
you sit there with your bottle
hours by yourself
listening to those songs
about fucking up
and getting fucked over
trying not to call her
and tell her how bad she hurt you
you sit there with your bottle
hours by yourself
thinking about the years
was it 5 or 25
you spent chasing that dream
and dreaming about the end
curled up in each other arms
you sit there with your bottle
hours by yourself
because no one needs to see you
screaming and crying
trying not to call her
to tell her how you really feel
and what a bitch she really is
you sit there with you bottle
hours by yourself
trying to convince yourself
that you will survive
even though you lost that last bit of hope
that always made you feel alive
and that you dont still love her
more than you hate her
post comment

it skips on track four [03 May 2013|01:16am]
We race through the paces
Of the stations of the crass
Hoping for all hopes
That we get it finished
Before the kids wake up
And once again we have to explain
That too many gave up
there arent enough apples
to feed the 5000
there are still too many cowboys
not willing to move from protest to resistance
so we race through the paces
of the stations of the crass
while anti-flags hang unseen in the garage
hiding dirty history lessons
milk creates of telephone pole papers
and anything left we call our own
post comment

a woman of that caliber by allin khg [10 Mar 2013|05:19am]
she could have killed me
at any time she wished
i gladly would have stood there
taking every shot she fired
watching her face twist
her body jerk
with each pull of the trigger
but she didnt kill me
she made it clear
she never would
every time she should have
she just walked away
took a deep breath
walked back and kissed my cheek
those were the hardest hits to take
every time
i knew i deserved much worse
but she knew
what i needed
and what i deserved
were miles apart
post comment

more jars by allin khg [16 Feb 2013|09:14am]
that dance we do
around the fresh kills
counting the souls
as the float away
blood stained bare feet
dancing to a song
that no one else hears
still we bounce and sway

a kick to the head
see if the move
step on their chest
see if they breathe

that dance we do
around the fresh kills
collecting the hearts
something nice to display
blood stained bare feet
dancing to a song
that darkens the night
and warns them away
post comment

play on by allin khg [09 Feb 2013|05:07am]
sitting next to you at the picnic table
the one in the middle of the yard
the one that doubled as a bed
on those summer nights
where the sky was clear
but the was a good breeze.

sitting next to you at the picnic table
the one under the big tree
listening to your stories
how you told the man at church
he was a lying bastard
but mowing his yard still paid

sitting next to you at the picnic table
the one placed just where the breeze was perfect
as you try to teach me the jews harp
but never finish your song
maybe you never knew the whole thing
or maybe i just always wanted to hear more
post comment

none of mine by allin khg [24 Jan 2013|11:31pm]

I could tell you stories that would make your head spin

Stories of love in the making

Stories of love in the breaking

Stories that would send a normal person running

From a world the crumbles from the shaking

I could tell you about shoes

About dresses

And the discomforts of womens underwear

I could tell you about children

And kittens

And the screams in the middle of the night

I could tell you about fires that were not

And a man that was

And a thousand other things you would never want to hear

I could tell you it all

Because I see it everyday

A million images running though my head

Looking for that handful

The ones with no hurt or pain

always looking for something that isn't there

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a hundred things that have no words by allin khg [30 Dec 2012|10:35pm]
I look hard at you
Looking for a sign
Some slight clue
Then I close my eyes
Turn and walk away
Your hand presses soft on my arm
Not to push or pull
Not to hold back
Just a touch you had to make
To try to say
A hundred things
That have no words
Use words you can't speak
Words that are the flavor of sunlight
With a sprinkle of a long walk
Along the water under a full moon
Words that have flavor and smell and feel
But no letter to form them
You pull your hand away
Hoping with all your heart
That some of those words made it
Through my dry dirty skin
My wrecked tormented head
In to my heart
The part you know is still alive
and not dust and residue
Left from so many past pasts
That small part
That you can only hope
Was always held and protected
Just for you
And the tear that runs down you cheek
As I keep walking
My hand in slight movement
Subtle shifts
As my fingers extend
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double indemnity [11 Dec 2012|11:32am]
the sleepless eyes
watching from across the room
your every little detail
each motion and gesture
the quiet words spoken
analyzed and over-thought
the dirty soaked face
covered in salty tears sweat
from frustration and pain
waiting and watching
looking for a sign
something to hope for
to reconsider
one little thing
that shows it was worth the time
and the beast with seven heads
will rise up to overcome
filling the cup of wisdom
that answers all the questions
to why she still watches
motions gestures words
crying at every wrench of her heart
barely feeling the sting
of hands hard against flesh



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[khg] i was tired [01 Jul 2012|04:44am]
i asked my high school sweet heart to marry me
she said no
both of them
without a second thought
or a moment of hesitation
and ended up with a foul weather friend
and a bell that rarely rings
i broke the heart of an angel
and of a saint
tarnished their souls
a little more bitter to the touch
i survived a marriage
that never should have happened
but it would be a lie
to say i survived unscathed
i sat in the dark
crying to myself
yelling at the world
trying to remain strong
losing hope
and trying again

i want to believe in love an romance
and the dreams that come to life
i want to remain open to the idea
that some day it might happen
some days it is easier that others
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[khg] please remove from and take [10 Jun 2012|04:54am]
letters without letters
not is taptaptaptaptaptaptap
and watch your step
a fuller may war haul oh no
a foot not in his story
i never said this is a poem
ob seen moticos
sour s ma tear ee el

he never made it across that bridge
not that he planned to
he had his master plan
to be his own master
a back hand to the problems of the day
a back stroke to his own death
now the answer has changed
what do you call a bald rabbit?
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[khg] i am sorry [28 Apr 2012|10:57pm]
you must have thought it a joke
not believing i could have known
some things will never change
some forces are meant to be

you must have thought it a joke
not believing i could be right
some facts will not be hidden
nor should they ever be

you must have thought it a joke
that i would cause you pain
some people will sacrifice everything
to make sure others are happy

you must of thought it a joke
if you thought about it at all
i will not stop you from laughing
i will just wait until you are finished
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[khg] love is... [30 Mar 2012|04:19pm]
How many times have i walked up to that edge
Staring down
Will today be the day
Tonight tomorrow next week
That i finally get my nerve up
To take the last step
All in for the final payout
Am i high enough up
Will something break my fall
Just enough that i live but cant live
If i hit just right there is no turning back
Dive out and away
Free from obstacles
Is today the day i take that final step
Putting an end to this miserable life
And dive into you arms
And a completely new world
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[khg] dusted [11 Mar 2012|01:01am]
I tried to tell myself you were a friend
Even though you repeatedly turned your back
I thought i could trust you
While you continued to let me down
I would get lost in your every detail
Lost and looking for the signs of life
It still happens occasionally
But not with the power it once had
Now i just want to get out and away
Never hear your name again
To run over the wasted years
Leaving you to waste away
You cant go back home
You cant escape your past
You did at least give me a chance
To get lost and find myself
And remember what is was i wanted
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[khg] these days [07 Mar 2012|05:21am]
these days i spend too much time
staring into you eyes
wondering if you remember
when we did what we could
to just get a few minutes alone
a few minutes
where nothing else mattered
we could escape the darkness
that was the rest of the world
a few simple words
a gentle touch
and we were ready to go back out
even though we never wanted to
these nights i spend too much time
letting you sleep
wondering if you consider
the day when it all changed
everything else mattered
a few harsh words
a killing touch
and you were ready to go back out
even if i never want to
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[khg] perdition and nowhere [24 Jan 2012|12:02am]
i hear you calling
those low soft whispers
that cackle in the dark
begging me to come to you
one more dance
one more kiss
to again take you by the hand
and make you mine
your streaked black hair
long and longing
with you back turned to me
so you can pretend to be surprised
the trail of bread crumbs
that point the direction
the care packages
of matches and gasoline
from someone named bridges
and a note that simply reads
"in case you need some light"
we have been here before
you know i cant refuse the call
i just cant ever answer
as quickly as i would like to
the weather has to be right
the days have to be longer
and there has to be a big x
painted across your mouth
so for now
your whispers only taunt me
with a constant reminder
to work a little faster
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breaking water [18 Jan 2012|03:43pm]
lost at sea just to see
breaker breaker
from beyond the breakers
waiting to see if she breaks
but give her a second
and shell be one her second
for the second time
breaking in c
but holdinng her weight
no time for a third
with her second
as she breaks the seal on a fifth
but still i miss her
as i wait for the sea
to break her
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gotten gone [18 Jan 2012|03:35pm]
did you make out a plan
for what you where going to do
or where you where going to go
were there diagrams
money in savings
a full tank of gas
did you ever stop to think
the headaches would stop
the bruises would heal
that it would be so quiet
how did it feel
to once again have to buy
a new mattress
matching pots and pans
a comfortable couch
just to make it not look so empty
did you make out a plan
or did you just give up
grab what you could
and run as far and as fast as you could
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[khg] going live [02 Jan 2012|01:27am]
half a cigarette
thirty eight degrees
reminding me
that you need to wait for somethings
half a moon hanging
telling me
somethings have to be fought for
give it my all
then keep giving
places to go
people to see
and finding the time
to make it all happen
big plans for bigger dreams
and finding a way
to get it all to happen
warmer days calling
from far away places
asking me to expect more
and keep the dreams alive
so i don't have to worry
about surviving or driving
it will just be pushing and thriving
and sleeping through the night
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not fair [27 Dec 2011|07:13pm]
biting my tongue until it bleeds
doesnt seem to help
to keep me from saying
what i feel i must
pacing back and forth
doesnt seem to help
to keep from going
where i feel i must
closing my eyes into the darkness
doesnt seem to help
to keep from seeing everything
and someone i must
the piece and quite of having
a cigarette just makes it worse
and better at the same time
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waiting [26 Dec 2011|10:12pm]
so much work to do
time to kill and fill
everything has to be perfect
for that very first dance
in the dark
that 4am scream
is so much better
than midnight tears
clutched hands
not ready to let go
i never planned that far
but you never get to pick
how or who or why
guide and direct
as life moves along
that is the best you get
each day like a year
not wanting to wait
each year like a day
passing too quick
sitting and waiting
for the wait to be over
and a new life to begin
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hand to you [26 Dec 2011|02:02am]
finally i give up
you are not making it
i sit to watch the show
instead of watching the door
i notice someone sit next to me
but i dont notice
i notice people walking by
but i dont notice
then something drifts in the air
a smell that could only be you
as i start to turn to look
i feel your hand sliding into mine
squeezing tighter as i turn
to see a smile on your face
that has not been seen in years
one i have never seen
that one from your heart
you whisper something
i cant hear
an apology or reason
then louder you say you had to
this was where you needed to be
a slight nervous laugh
everything will be better now
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